Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
She told him, "Yes... as a matter of fact we do. Just before he goes out to play, I kiss each of his balls."
To which Johnny replied, "Boy, I'll bet that makes his putter rise."
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything."
He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf.
Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car on their way home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs,"I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed. "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice answered, saying, "Come on in!"
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly. Afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies!!!"
"Why do you think that?" asked Harry.
"He just tried to correct my stance again."
"So?" said Harry. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I know," said Tom, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time."
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked
him for a 12 inch Bic?"
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here," he asked of St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does." And then in his arrogant manner, he exclaimed, "Well, if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well, Michael. As you wish... look through the gates."
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer."
Michael peers through the gate and he is elated. There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen. He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok, step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him.
Michael walked up to the first tee and said, "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?"
The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover."
"It's the biggest dam I know," was his response.
"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."
"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water!"
The doctor decided to show his dog first and turned and called out to his dog. "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates came running in, and the doctor told him to do his thing. The dog ran onto the golf course, sniffed around and proceeded to dig up a pile of human bones. He dragged the bones into the club, then assembled them into a complete human skeleton. The doctor praised him and gave him a dog treat.
Well, the architect was hardly impressed. He called to his dog, Sliderule. "Sliderule, come here!" Sliderule ran into the room, and his owner told him to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to pieces, then reassembled the parts into an astonishing detailed replica of the Taji Mahal! The architect patted his dog on the head and gave him a treat.
The attorney just sat back and called out. "B.S.! Come!" B.S. came flying into the room and without so much as a word from the attorney, ran over to the other two dogs, stole their dog treats, auctioned off the replica of the Taj Mahal to the other members of the club for a huge fee, and then went outside and played a round of golf.
"What's your problem, Sherry?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you 'only if it rained'."
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me. You must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th and you're a hole behind me. You must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. What a coincidence. I'm in sales too. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods exclaims, "You play golf???"
Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!"
The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God. A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says, "Damn wind!!"
The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!"
The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him. Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death.
The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky, "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "DAMN WIND!!!"
Almost as good as a hole-in-one!