"Yes, sir," replied the boy.
"And are you any good at finding lost balls?"
"Right, then. Find one and let's start the game."
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one, directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game."
The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her butt as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the heck out of the ball right up the middle.
She just starts pounding these guys, parring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a B.J. he will never forget."
The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better."
The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him."
The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So *POOF* she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..."
So *POOF* she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. "I wish I could play my normal game... just once."
3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.
8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.
15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."
18. Swing easy. Hit hard.
19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest at the local Catholic Church, which makes the second fellow get all flustered and apologetic. He even offers to give the priest back his money.
The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest replies, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
Seems like there was a foursome playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton.
According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer; Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he's supposed to be playing.
"Hey, Bob," his friend called out across the locker room. "How long have you been playing golf in women's underwear?"
"How long?" came the reply. "Ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from supposedly playing a round of golf!"
The American knows a little Japanese and says, "domo arigato" (thank you) and "sayonara" (goodbye) and returns to his hotel. He is so excited he can't get to sleep. It is a tremendous honor to be asked to play golf with this gentleman.
He decides to reward himself and he goes to a local geisha house. He gets a girl, goes back to one of the rooms and they start having fun. He's all excited and he really starts getting into it.
All of a sudden the woman starts screaming, "Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!" He figures, he must be doing real well, she must be loving this, so he continues, more vigorously. She continues to yell "Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!"
"Wow," he thinks, "I must be doing real well." He eventually finishes, leaving her in a heap on the floor mumbling "Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!".
He dresses, and leaves marveling at his great day, impressed that she liked him so much.
The next day, he goes out to the golf club. He and the Japanese executive play. Things are going very well as they approach the third hole, par 3, 185 yards. The Japanese executive has honors, steps up, hits a beautiful 7 wood which bounces in front of the green, onto the green and right into the cup... a hole in one!
The American decides to impress the Japanese executive with his Japanese, applauds and says "Tatagoochie!, Tatagoochie!"
The Japanese executive looks at him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"
All of a sudden... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still... you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN... POOF!... she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7 iron! You can't get out of here with an 8 iron."
Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot.
The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man.
The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why Sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamn tree, did you?"
When they were finished, they fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he was pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR!!! You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.
The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they would see what they thought.
They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.
Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his 'you-know-what' is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked,"What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
Vickie: TELL me about it! I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Kathy: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Vickie: I thought I asked legitimate questions... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
As he's making the turn at nine, his friend, Daniel, comes running out of the clubhouse calling, "David, wait up!"
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"
"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."
"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"
"Oh my God! What should I do?"
"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit..."
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little
white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is "Oh Shit."