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Judged By The Company One Keeps

One night in late October
When I was far from sober

Returning with my load
With oh such pride

My feet began to stutter
so I lay down in the gutter

And a  pig came near
and lay down by my side.

A lady  passing by was heard to say:
"You can tell a man who boozes
by the company he chooses"

And the pig got up and slowly walked away...

(Author Unknown)

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. The little hog laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon.

There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for dinner.   The waiter came to the table and asked if they would like something to drink.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Dr. Pepper." The second piggy said, "I would like a glass of tea," The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were ready to order.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Hamburger." The second piggy said, "I would like a Steak." The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if they would like some dessert.

The first piggy said, "I would like a hot fudge sundae." The second piggy said, "I would like a banana split." The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their check. Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy why he only ordered water.

  No groans please...

  Scroll down....

  A little farther....

  Do you really want to know?


  You have been warned.....

The third piggy said, "Well, someone has to go 'Wee Wee' all the way home."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Two farmers from a small town outside of Little Rock, Arkansas were walking home together after each had purchased a pig. One said to the other, "How are we going to tell them apart?"

The other man answered, "We'll cut the left ear off of your pig."

After a while, the pigs got into a fight and after they had both bitten off each other's ears, one of the men asked the other, "Now what are we going to do?"

"Well, how about if we cut the tail off of my pig?" one of the men said.

"That sounds like a good plan to me," the other man said.

A little while later, the pigs got into another fight, and when it was over, they were both missing their tails. "What will we do now?" one of the men asked the other.

After giving it some thought, one said, "Well, we could cut the leg off of yours."

"That's not humane!" the other man cried. So after some more thought, he said, "Well, let's do this. We'll just call the white one yours and the black one mine."

As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of you family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.

1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) An uncontrollable urge to screw in the mud.

Poor victims of Swine flu...
This CAN happen to you, too.

Please heed this warning...
This COULD be you in the morning.

Take every care...
And of pig mud...BEWARE!!!

(names have been withheld to protect the guilty... er I mean innocent)

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"

"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.

"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.

"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"

"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.

"No, sir."

"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.

"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, so he calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs, so he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, services each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day servicing the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says,"they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

Three Little Pigs... NY style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."

And he did!!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down"

And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.

The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."

The straw pig and the stick were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired killing the wolf, then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from Brooklyn
...the Guinea Pigs."

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

Pigs are funny and full of jokes;
Pass them on to other folks.

Maybe they will make you smile
And forget your troubles for a while.